What Does It Mean When a Therapist Takes Sides?

If you've ever sat in a couples therapy session and felt like the therapist was siding with your partner, you're not imagining things. And if you've ever walked out thinking finally, someone sees what I've been dealing with — you might want to sit with that feeling a little longer.

The question of whether a therapist should take sides is more complicated than most people realise. For couples considering therapy in Manhattan, understanding the difference between traditional couples therapy and Relational Life Therapy can help you choose the right approach — and the right therapist — from the start.

The Traditional Model: Radical Neutrality

Most couples therapists are trained to be neutral. The goal is to hold both partners equally, validate both perspectives, and never appear to favour one person over the other. The therapist becomes a careful moderator — reflecting, reframing, making sure no one feels ganged up on.

On paper, this sounds fair. In practice, it can be deeply frustrating.

When one partner is being verbally cutting and the other is shutting down, "both sides have a point" doesn't help anyone. When contempt has been eroding a relationship for years, equal airtime for both perspectives doesn't address the actual problem. Neutrality, taken too far, can become a kind of collusion — where harmful behaviour goes unnamed because naming it might feel like taking sides.

Many couples who come to me for couples therapy in Manhattan have already tried the neutral approach. They leave feeling heard in the room and unchanged at home.

What RLT Does Differently

Relational Life Therapy, developed by Terry Real, takes a fundamentally different stance. As a certified RLT therapist in New York, I am not a neutral party in the room. RLT therapists are trained to be active, directive — and yes, that means directly challenging one partner when their behaviour is harming the relationship.

But here's the distinction that matters: an RLT therapist doesn't take sides with a person. They take sides with the relationship.

If you are withdrawing, stonewalling, or using your hurt as a weapon, your RLT therapist will tell you — clearly, directly, and without softening it into meaninglessness. Not because they prefer your partner. Because that behaviour is harming the relationship you both say you want to save.

This can feel like being ganged up on. Especially if you're someone who has spent years feeling unheard.

Why Being Called Out Is Not the Same as Being Blamed

There's a crucial difference between blame and accountability.

Blame says: you are the problem. Accountability says: this behaviour is a problem, and you are capable of doing something about it.

RLT operates entirely from the second position. When an RLT therapist challenges you directly — when they say that comment just landed like a grenade, did you notice that? — they are not attacking your character. They are interrupting a pattern in real time, which is something most couples have never experienced before.

For many of the couples I work with in Midtown East, this is the first time anyone has told them the truth about how they show up in their relationship. Because honesty and authenticity is what actually creates change.

What This Means If You're Considering Couples Therapy in Manhattan

If you're looking for couples therapy in New York, it's worth asking yourself what you're actually hoping for.

If the answer is someone who will finally validate everything you've been feeling — Relational Life Therapy may be uncomfortable at first. Both of you will be seen clearly. Both of you will be challenged.

If the answer is real change — a relationship that actually feels different, not just a space where you take turns feeling heard — then the directness of RLT is not a flaw. It's the point.

A therapist who never takes sides might feel safer. But safety and growth are not always the same thing.

The question isn't whether your therapist will take sides. The question is whether they're skilled enough to take the right side — the side of the relationship — every single time.

If you are interested in in Relational Life Therapy and couples therapy to take the next step towards growth contact me to set up an initial consultation.