What Can You Actually Accomplish in a Couples Intensive?

You and your partner have been having the same argument for years. You've talked about it, promised to do things differently, and maybe even tried couples therapy. Things improve for a while, then somehow you're right back where you started.

You don't necessarily need more conversations about your relationship. You may need a different kind of conversation.

That's one reason couples choose an intensive.

What makes an intensive different?

In weekly couples therapy, you have about 50 minutes to work through whatever is happening in your relationship. Sometimes that's enough. Other times, just as you get to the heart of an issue, the session ends.

An intensive gives you several consecutive hours to work on your relationship without having to stop and pick things up a week later.

But the difference isn't simply the number of hours. It's what you can do with that time.

Instead of focusing only on the argument you had this week, we can look at the pattern underneath it. Why does one person pursue while the other withdraws? Why does a conversation about household responsibilities turn into a fight about respect? Why does one partner's attempt to explain themselves leave the other feeling criticized?

When we slow things down, we can begin to understand what's happening between you, rather than getting caught up in the details of the latest disagreement.

What happens during a couples intensive?

My work is grounded in Relational Life Therapy (RLT), developed by Terry Real. It's a direct, active approach to couples therapy that focuses on helping partners understand their patterns and change how they relate to each other.

During an intensive, we'll work to:

• Understand your cycle. Identify what happens when you get stuck, including how each person's reactions contribute to the pattern.

• Have the conversations you've been avoiding. With guidance, you can address difficult subjects that may be hard to navigate on your own.

• Practice doing things differently. Understanding your pattern is important, but insight alone doesn't change how you behave during your next argument. We'll work on new ways of communicating and responding in real time.

• Create a plan for moving forward. You'll leave with a clearer understanding of what needs to change and practical tools to help you continue the work at home.

The goal isn't to resolve every issue in a day or two. It's to make meaningful progress on the issues that matter most and give you a foundation to build on.

Do you have to be in crisis?

Not at all.

Some couples come to an intensive after a significant rupture or a long period of disconnection. Others have been in weekly therapy and feel that the pace isn't allowing them to make the progress they want.

And some couples aren't in crisis. They simply recognize that their relationship deserves more focused attention than they've been able to give it.

An intensive can also be useful for couples approaching a major transition who want to strengthen their relationship before old patterns become bigger problems.

Is a couples intensive right for you?

A couples intensive requires time, energy, and a willingness to look honestly at what's happening in your relationship. It isn't a quick fix, and it isn't the right format for every couple. The first step is figuring out whether it makes sense for your particular situation.

I offer one-day and two-day couples intensives in Midtown Manhattan, with online options available.

If you're tired of having the same conversations without seeing lasting change, I'd be happy to talk with you about whether a couples intensive might be a good fit.

Contact me to discuss your relationship and explore your options.