The Five Losing Strategies in Relationships (and Which One You Default To)

Most of us don't set out to hurt the person we love. We just reach for whatever has worked for us before when we feel hurt, scared, or misunderstood.

In Relational Life Therapy (RLT), developed by Terry Real, these habits are called losing strategies. They feel protective in the moment, but they tend to make things worse between you and your partner.

The five losing strategies are: being right, controlling, unbridled self-expression, retaliation, and withdrawal. Here's what each one looks like.

1. Needing to be right

You argue to win. You collect evidence, correct your partner's version of events, and keep going until they agree. Even if you win the point, your partner may feel smaller and less willing to talk next time.

2. Controlling

You try to make your partner do things the "right" way. That can look like directing, correcting, managing, or giving unsolicited advice. It usually comes from anxiety, but your partner experiences it as criticism.

3. Unbridled self-expression

You say everything you're feeling, exactly as you feel it, in the moment. Raised voices, sarcasm, and cutting remarks all fall here. Being honest is healthy. Being honest without any care for how it lands is not the same thing.

4. Retaliation

You get hurt, so you hurt back. Maybe it's a cold comment, a pointed silence, or bringing up something from last year. It can feel like justice, but it only escalates the cycle.

5. Withdrawal

You shut down, leave the room, or go quiet. Sometimes this is a real attempt to calm down. But when it becomes a habit, your partner is left alone with the problem and may feel abandoned.

Which one is yours?

Most people lean on one or two of these, and many couples have a pair that fuels each other. One person controls while the other withdraws. One person is right while the other retaliates.

The point of naming your strategy isn't to shame yourself. It's to notice what you do when you're under stress, because that's the moment you have a choice.

What to do instead

RLT encourages full respect living: treating your partner, and yourself, with care even when you're upset. In practice, that might mean pausing before you respond, asking for what you want rather than criticizing what you don't, and checking whether your reaction is about this moment or an older wound.

It isn't easy to do alone, especially when you're triggered. That's where having a skilled guide can help.

If you're looking for Relational Life Therapy in Midtown East, Manhattan, contact me to learn more about working together.