How Self-Esteem Shapes Your Relationships: The RLT Perspective

By Vineeta Chopra

We often think of self-esteem as a solo project — something that only affects us. But in truth, self-esteem doesn’t live in isolation. It shows up in your relationships — in how you communicate, how you handle conflict, and how you love and allow yourself to be loved.

In Relational Life Therapy (RLT), self-esteem isn’t just about how you feel about yourself. It’s about how you feel about others and relate. When your self-esteem is shaky, relationships can start to feel like emotional minefields. Every disagreement becomes proof that you’re not enough or better than your partner. You might over-function — trying to fix, please, or perform — or under-function, retreating before you risk rejection. Either way, connection takes a back seat to self-protection.

What Healthy Self-Esteem Looks Like

RLT defines healthy self-esteem as “I’m neither better than you, nor less than you — I’m your equal.” It is based neither on your attributes nor on your achievements. Self-esteem is warm regard for yourself and others simply because.

It’s the kind of self-esteem that allows you to say:

• “I messed up” without collapsing into shame.

• “I need you” without feeling weak.

• “I deserve respect” without raising your voice.

This balanced stance — neither grandiose nor deflated — creates emotional safety. You can share truth without fear, repair after conflict, and stay connected even when it’s hard.

How do you develop healthy Self-Esteem?

Notice that the heading doesn’t say “how to improve self-esteem” - because in RLT we believe that some people can have too much of it, to the point of disrespecting and disregarding others. We want to focus on developing a healthy amount of it. Neither too much, nor too little, just right.

This can be done through a variety of ways - visualization, journaling, therapy and affirmations. But most of all, it is awareness and reflection on maladaptive ways of thinking about yourself, and slowly but intentionally changing those engrained notions of conditional self-love.

The work isn’t to become invulnerable. It’s to learn how to stand on equal ground — with yourself and with your partner.

Compassion + Accountability = Growth

In RLT, healing happens when you hold both compassion and accountability.
Compassion says, “I understand why I protect myself this way.”
Accountability says, “And it’s my responsibility to change it.”

Together, they help you move from fragile self-esteem to relational maturity — where love feels like partnership, not performance.

Want to explore how your self-esteem is showing up in your relationships. Contact me to set up a consult for Couples Therapy today.