Why Being Right Can Cost You the Relationship

There is a particular kind of argument that smart, capable people are very good at winning.

You have the facts. You remember exactly what was said. You can explain, point by point, why your interpretation makes sense and why your partner's doesn't. And when the conversation ends, you may even have the satisfaction of knowing you were right.

So why does your partner look even more distant than before?

The problem with winning

In my couples therapy practice in Midtown Manhattan, I often see partners who approach disagreements as if they were making a case in court. Each person presents evidence, challenges the other's version of events, and waits for the other to concede.

The problem is that a relationship is not a courtroom. Your partner is not the opposing attorney, and winning an argument does not necessarily mean you have helped your relationship.

You can be right about what happened and still be dismissive of how your partner experienced it. You can have a legitimate complaint and express it in a way that makes your partner feel small. You can prove your point and lose the opportunity to understand each other.

Being right is not the same as being relationally effective.

What to do instead

This doesn't mean you should abandon your perspective or pretend something is fine when it isn't. It means making room for two experiences to exist at the same time.

Try asking yourself three questions during your next disagreement:

• Am I trying to understand my partner, or am I trying to get them to admit I'm right?

• Is the way I'm making my point likely to help my partner hear me?

• What matters more to me right now: winning this argument or improving what happens between us?

You can stand by your position without treating your partner's position as ridiculous.

You can say, "I see this differently, but I want to understand why it felt that way to you."

And you can acknowledge someone's experience without agreeing with every detail of their account.

The bigger picture

Healthy relationships don't require two people to agree on everything. They require two people who can disagree without turning each other into opponents.

The next time you feel the urge to make your case one more time, pause. You may have already made your point. What your relationship needs now might not be a better argument, but a more curious conversation.

If you and your partner keep getting stuck in the same cycle, couples therapy can help you understand the pattern and learn a different way of relating. Contact me for a free consultation.